That old familiar feeling……

……has creeped into me and I can’t shake it. I KNOW it’s still August, and we’ve plenty of lovely weather ahead. For God’s sake, it’s not winter yet! But something’s going on…..

Maybe it’s daylength, knocking on my door without my consent. Or maybe it’s the cool morning breezes in the past week, when I reach for a long sleeved shirt. Even on this morning’s (absolutely beautiful) bike ride – there’s something different in the air.

I heard, then saw two Vs of geese, flying low over the water in the past two days. And I feel haunted by that familiar sadness – quiet desperation, honestly. And using my cognitive mind, I rush to find all kinds of tricks and thoughts and ideas to ward off these feelings – “it’s still August! Autumn is terrific!”

Blah blah. I can’t trick my inner self.

For the past 40-some years, I’ve spent the majority of September, October, etc – filling up with an overwhelming sense of impending doom. No bones about it. And although I don’t like it, I’ve tried – all of my adult life – to thwart it, one way or another. But here I am, 50 now – still feeling the same thing.

Perhaps I need a southern location to spend part of winter. We’ve talked about that. Not sure how to actually work that out, but I’m willing to go there in my thinking. Would it help? Honestly? I dunno.

Here we go again. I drag myself up and out. <Insert pep talk to self. Hey, you’re going crabbing later today – buck up!>

Uck.

~ by kbosin on August 23, 2011.

6 Responses to “That old familiar feeling……”

  1. Whoa! I relate to this so. Summer for me is neither here nor there. I love autumn, but I get so down from about a week before my birthday into mid Sept. To say I hated school would be a great understatement so I sort of attributed this low feeling to that. I really enjoyed my summers by the water and felt sad to have to give that up too. Then in January the same low feeling returns, one of my friends in STL finally realized nothing could make me budge out of my pajamas and outside the house at that time so she just said goodbye at Christmas, see you in February! I’m a few years your senior and I thought I’d have it all figured out by now too. So much for that but at least I can afford a really good pair of PJs!
    And PS. What did the persimmon seeds look like?

  2. I’d give you a pep talk but I’m sure you’ve tried them all already! Stopped by to see you today to perk you up in person but you were nowhere to be found. Now I’m sad, too!

  3. Honey! Fall is AWESOME! crisp air, fresh apples, new beginnings (school etc), election time!, thanksgiving, pumpkin patches, football games, big heavy harvest moons, leeks, lead up to the holiday season, NO MORE BUGS. read that last one a few times. Sitting outside on a beautiful fall night with no mosquitos. No wasps. No….ok, no lightening bugs, bummer but still.

    I don’t mean to make light of your decade long angst, but you of all people, are usually so positive and there is a LOT to be positive about with fall!

    • Thanks, sis, but prefer mosquitos, gnats and wasps to pumpkins and football – omg…big time.

      Happy fall to you, though! Woo-hoo!

  4. Be grateful for the change of seasons. I miss it.

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